Saturday, May 26, 2007
I'm So Sorry Mum
My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment.
There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed. I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school one of my classmates said, "UUHH, your mom only has one eye!" I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear.
So I confronted her that day and said, " If you're only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?!!!"
My mom did not respond...
I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings.
I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to come to Singapore to study.
Then, I got married. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts.
Then one day, my mother came to visit me.
She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren. When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my children!" GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"
And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address," and she disappeared out of sight.
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house in Singapore.
So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.
My neighbors said that she died.
I did not shed a single tear.
They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.
"My dearest son, I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to Singapore and scared your children. I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion.
But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.
I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.
You see........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye.
As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with one eye.
So I gave you mine.
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.
With my love to you,
Posted by Kenneth at 10:28 AM
Friday, March 23, 2007
It has been a long time since i last had an update.Here's a story which i would like to share with all of you.Let's call this girl R.
"She was from no ordinary family. A family of indefinite wealth, status and all. Despite that, she was a really good girl, with no airs around her; with her kind, forgiving and loving nature. She was the one worthy of all praise.
While I was from the average family. Able to afford some luxuries and all but definitely own no lambos nor ferraris. Young and selfish I was, I had no regards for the feelings of others. Being fortunate enough to inherit my parents' not bad looking facial features, I used it to get involved with women, multiple partners at a time.
I was dating someone from high school then. And my ex introduced R to me for R is her best friend. For 2 years, R and I didn't talk much and all - she was in Hawaii. Then she came back to Singapore, we clicked. R fell in love with me and I took the chance and asked her to be with me. I was just messing around.
She caught me cheating many times, but in all willingness and grace.. she forgave. Each time she cried and was hurt, but she forgave me wholeheartedly - never once loved me any less. It was her grace, her forgiveness and her love that touched me. So I decided to change my ways and commit myself, it was the one thing that I did right in my life.
But fairytale endings are a myth; life isn't as kind as you would wish. We had an obstacle which is her mother. R's mother had no empathy, the mother detested the fact that I wasn't as rich. So she always tried to come between us, even to the extent of sending her daughter back to Hawaii.
We held on tightly together in the storm, never giving up. Then she got pregnant, and forced into an abortion. She was full of sorrow, I was full of anger. We were sad.
Then I tried to set up my own business, to make my mark in the world. And I guess while I was doing that, I neglected her a lot. She grew weary fighting the battle alone, but tried so hard to hold on.
Each passing day, she grew sadder. Finally letting go when the mother threatened to send her away forever.. too tired, too hurt and too lonely to put up another fight.. no one could blame her.. so she said her final goodbye to me near her neighbourhood, leaving me with the last hug and kiss.. We parted
I wasn't about to give up though.. I worked really hard in school and in my business.. "I cant dedicate an unworthy life to her" I'd always tell my friends.. and always believe that in the future when I make my mark in the world.. then I will have a chance to be with her again..
But life was harsh and unkind. She died close to a month after we said goodbye.. in an accident.. I died in another way that night too.. I thought I will never forgive myself"
After she died, I spent half a year binge drinking. I was drinking so much, my left hand was shaking badly. I left school, got drunk and wasted half a year in self-punishment.
Self-hate is a zero-sum game, there can be no winners. I didn't see it that way then, I was totally frustrated with myself. I lost my cool, my confidence and became very reserved. Often the days passed me by, with me in the room drinking. Often, I just laid on the bed not speaking to anyone for the entire day.
I spent another 6 months in rehab and counselling. I'm not afraid to admit that my depression then was eating into my life, I wasn't able to function as a normal person - not even eating most of the time. I spent my days in tears, anger and alcohol. 9 months of being a hermit and closing myself up from the rest of the world, I even had problems with my speech. I couldn't stop stammering and all.
I thought I would never make it through rehab then. And I began to observe the people around me who love me. My mother was totally distressed and upset with herself, and my father was in constant pressure because I just lost myself. Self-forgiveness doesn't come easy nor cheap, it was gradual for me. Bit by bit, I forgave myself slowly. And I know I can't dedicate an unworthy life to her, so I must strive to be the best.
Today, I am no longer the casanova I was in the past. A more mature and motivated young adult, I hope. Do I still love her? Yes, I do still love her and never any less than when I first began.
The gratitude of loving her has conquered the loss. One of the wise friends told me "If the bitterness is from our selfish foolishness, repent and let it go. If the bitterness is from someone's mistake. we learn grace and forgive" How true....
Posted by Kenneth at 10:59 PM
Sunday, December 24, 2006
here's my xmas present.haha.
Meet up with exotic users
Unlocking In Progress
Posted by Kenneth at 9:26 AM
Thursday, November 23, 2006
HOW COULD YOU?
When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh.
You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad", you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?"but then you'd relent, and roll me over for a bellyrub.
My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.
Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife, is not a "dog person".Still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.
Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became "prisoner of love."
As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch because your touch was now so infrequent and I would have defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me.
These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf. Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family. I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter.
It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him,and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.
After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home.
They shook their heads and asked "How could you?" They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first,whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you had changed your mind.This was all a bad dream ... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.
When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.
I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.
She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"
Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself.A place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her.
It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.
Posted by Kenneth at 11:04 AM
Friday, August 18, 2006
WTS VODAFONE 902SH.As above,selling my 1 month old Sharp 902sh.Phone is in pristine condition 10/10.Orange in colour.HK firmware with chinese.Letting go at $340.Price is neg.Sms or call me at 91264594.Thanks for viewing. PHONE SOLD!THANKS FOR ALL INTEREST AND SUPPORT.
Posted by Kenneth at 4:47 PM
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Fresh from Vodafone Japan.The lucky owner will be none other than my father.haha.
Posted by Kenneth at 11:59 AM
Monday, August 14, 2006
Vodafone Galore 5
Posted by Kenneth at 6:43 PM