Friday, March 23, 2007
It has been a long time since i last had an update.Here's a story which i would like to share with all of you.Let's call this girl R.
"She was from no ordinary family. A family of indefinite wealth, status and all. Despite that, she was a really good girl, with no airs around her; with her kind, forgiving and loving nature. She was the one worthy of all praise.
While I was from the average family. Able to afford some luxuries and all but definitely own no lambos nor ferraris. Young and selfish I was, I had no regards for the feelings of others. Being fortunate enough to inherit my parents' not bad looking facial features, I used it to get involved with women, multiple partners at a time.
I was dating someone from high school then. And my ex introduced R to me for R is her best friend. For 2 years, R and I didn't talk much and all - she was in Hawaii. Then she came back to Singapore, we clicked. R fell in love with me and I took the chance and asked her to be with me. I was just messing around.
She caught me cheating many times, but in all willingness and grace.. she forgave. Each time she cried and was hurt, but she forgave me wholeheartedly - never once loved me any less. It was her grace, her forgiveness and her love that touched me. So I decided to change my ways and commit myself, it was the one thing that I did right in my life.
But fairytale endings are a myth; life isn't as kind as you would wish. We had an obstacle which is her mother. R's mother had no empathy, the mother detested the fact that I wasn't as rich. So she always tried to come between us, even to the extent of sending her daughter back to Hawaii.
We held on tightly together in the storm, never giving up. Then she got pregnant, and forced into an abortion. She was full of sorrow, I was full of anger. We were sad.
Then I tried to set up my own business, to make my mark in the world. And I guess while I was doing that, I neglected her a lot. She grew weary fighting the battle alone, but tried so hard to hold on.
Each passing day, she grew sadder. Finally letting go when the mother threatened to send her away forever.. too tired, too hurt and too lonely to put up another fight.. no one could blame her.. so she said her final goodbye to me near her neighbourhood, leaving me with the last hug and kiss.. We parted
I wasn't about to give up though.. I worked really hard in school and in my business.. "I cant dedicate an unworthy life to her" I'd always tell my friends.. and always believe that in the future when I make my mark in the world.. then I will have a chance to be with her again..
But life was harsh and unkind. She died close to a month after we said goodbye.. in an accident.. I died in another way that night too.. I thought I will never forgive myself"
After she died, I spent half a year binge drinking. I was drinking so much, my left hand was shaking badly. I left school, got drunk and wasted half a year in self-punishment.
Self-hate is a zero-sum game, there can be no winners. I didn't see it that way then, I was totally frustrated with myself. I lost my cool, my confidence and became very reserved. Often the days passed me by, with me in the room drinking. Often, I just laid on the bed not speaking to anyone for the entire day.
I spent another 6 months in rehab and counselling. I'm not afraid to admit that my depression then was eating into my life, I wasn't able to function as a normal person - not even eating most of the time. I spent my days in tears, anger and alcohol. 9 months of being a hermit and closing myself up from the rest of the world, I even had problems with my speech. I couldn't stop stammering and all.
I thought I would never make it through rehab then. And I began to observe the people around me who love me. My mother was totally distressed and upset with herself, and my father was in constant pressure because I just lost myself. Self-forgiveness doesn't come easy nor cheap, it was gradual for me. Bit by bit, I forgave myself slowly. And I know I can't dedicate an unworthy life to her, so I must strive to be the best.
Today, I am no longer the casanova I was in the past. A more mature and motivated young adult, I hope. Do I still love her? Yes, I do still love her and never any less than when I first began.
The gratitude of loving her has conquered the loss. One of the wise friends told me "If the bitterness is from our selfish foolishness, repent and let it go. If the bitterness is from someone's mistake. we learn grace and forgive" How true....
Posted by Kenneth at 10:59 PM